Homunculi Cafe
by Chibi Envy Chan
Summary: Chibi's collection of FMA one shots. These contain various pairings except for EdWin or Royai. It also includes crack pairings, shounenshoujo ai.
1. Chapter 1

Chibi Envy Chan does not own any of the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist. Unless Chibi states it, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa.

**Warning: Most of Chibi's one-shots will contain shounen ai or shoujo ai. If you do not like same sex pairings, then there is the lovely back button. You have been warned. **

Title: Turning the Tables  
Author: Chibi Envy Chan  
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist  
Rating: PG  
**Warning: Male relationships, crack pairing, some OOCness ****  
**Pairing: Roy/Envy

Not hearing from That Person for awhile and becoming bored, Envy decided to take the situation into his hands. Normally, he would wreak havoc among the masses, but That Person ordered him to keep a low profile and not to draw attention to them. Well, that left him with a lack of something to do since he had no leads on That Bastard. He could have called Sloth; however, Envy had been corrected by That Person. Actually, he had been lectured, which he tried to ignore. Unfortunately, her voice was too grating to ignore. Plus, he didn't feel like being punished.

So there he was, sauntering down the corridor on his way to Pride's office in his usual form and outfit, his ouroboros showing. With every step he took, he swayed his hips in a seductive manner. He ignored the whispers that seemed to follow him wherever he went in this form.

Seeing the homunculus, the military personnel whispered to each other, asking what sex that person was. There were even betting pools on this. They were divided on the issue though.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" Roy inquired, stepping out of his office. He knew this new person wasn't stationed at this place or even personnel.

The eldest homunculus whirled around on his heel to face this human and appeared to be studying him. 'So this is the Flame Alchemist. Not bad looking, but I'm better.' "I have a meeting with the Fuhrer." He drawled.

Roy raised a brow but didn't comment on it. "Would you like me to lead you there?"

Envy turned his nose up, which Roy surprisingly found cute. "What makes you think I'm inept with directions?"

The Colonel raised his hands as he had no idea whether this person was male or female. "I haven't seen you around here."

The homunculus rolled his eyes. "Of course, you haven't. I'm not around here." He decided it was time to leave the human. Minutes later, he discovered he wasn't alone as someone was following him. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

Roy smiled. Sure, he had paperwork, but he really didn't feel like taking care of it right now. "No, not really."

"Then go bother someone else," Envy said, trying to shoo away the Colonel.

"But they're not as cute as you," Roy said.

Envy came to an abrupt halt, stiffening right away. He turned around and glared at the Colonel with murderous intent. "Don't play games with me."

The Colonel, on the other hand, appeared to be calm, despite the situation. "I'm serious. You're really cute, and I'd like to know you."

Now the homunculus was starting to feel nervous. He didn't like it at all. "You're lying. Besides, I'm male."

"And your point is?"

Oh crap. That didn't work. Envy needed a new tactic. "You wouldn't like what you find."

Roy had a small smile. "Does it really matter? Everyone has dark secrets, including me." He walked up to the homunculus and surprisingly was able to put his hand under Envy's chin to raise his head so he could look into his eyes. If he wanted to get to know this person, he needed the other to be calm. This tense look didn't suit him.

Feeling the human closer to him, the homunculus stiffened further. He wasn't used to being close to another without the threat of violence or fighting. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Roy returned as he kept his hand underneath the homunculus' chin. This time he decided to take a chance as he stepped closer to the now nervous Envy while keeping constant eye contact.

Envy was more than nervous. Normally humans would be scared at the sight of him. Instead of attacking, he backed off, not having a response for this situation. He backed up until he bumped against the wall. Before he could go anywhere, he was enveloped in a gentle hug. "Let go." He said, but he sounded weak even in his own ears.

Moving his hand, Roy stroked Envy's back in attempt to calm him down. He knew he needed to be calm and project that. When he felt the person relax against him, he smiled. It worked.

The homunculus missed this, being held. He didn't know why, but it felt comfortable. At the same time, it made him appear weak. If the human said anything about this, Envy was personally going to castrate him.

"Now do I have the privilege of knowing your name?" Roy asked playfully while still embracing the homunculus.

"Envy."

"I bet the others must be envious of you."

This time Envy blushed. No one had given him this much attention or was patient with him. Hell, barely anyone complemented him without wanting something in return. "You jest with me."

Roy shook his head. "No, I'm not. I'm serious. How about lunch after your meeting with the Fuhrer?" He suggested as he released his embrace.

For some reason, Envy missed the warmth of contact. "Ah, he can wait." He shrugged before sauntering off. When Roy didn't follow, he turned his head to look at him. "You coming or what?"

"Yeah."


	2. Chapter 2

This is a fic I did when I was bored and in less than twenty mins. Cleaned it up a bit.

Title: Hot Trouble or Hot Date?

Author: Chibi Envy Chan

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist

Rating: PG

Warning: None

Pairing: Roy/Ed

It was a long summer day, and underneath the relenting heat, a certain alchemist was sweating an ocean in which a little pint sized shrimp like him could drown in. Never mind that shrimps _lived_ in the ocean. He glanced around, fanning himself with what appeared to be a report of some sort. It was hard to tell at first glance since the writing appeared to be chicken scratches that were trying to pass itself as writing. "So hot." He eyed the suit of armor with jealousy. Sometimes, it was better not to feel anything than to feel this unbearable heat.

"You keep saying that, but with the way you eat, you'll end up wishing you could," Al chided, carrying their belongings. They had recently exited the train station and were heading to HQ to hand in the report of their recent mission.

The state alchemist sighed a long one. "I guess it's true, the grass is greener on the other side."

"Yes, it is. Do you know how long I've been wanting to feel even if I'm baking under the sun?" Al said wistfully.

"You only say that now," Ed grumbled. Normally, he would return it with their usual playful banter; however, his mind was on other things such as the damn sun. Actually, his mind was on vacation as he walked past the gates, which would inevitably lead them to the building.

"Uh, brother?"

"What is it, Al?"

"You've gone too far." Al informed him, standing in front of the gates.

Ed glared at the gate as if it was responsible for him completely missing it and marched right back to it before opening it. "Let's get this done and over with so I can find a nice place with a iworking/i air conditioner."

"Okay."

Inside the headquarters, the others were suffering. The air conditioner broke, leaving the poor dogs of the military to fend for themselves. Currently, Riza had the only working portable fan. She had brought it in, seeing as how hot it became, and she refused to wear those damned mini-skirts that a certain state alchemist was so fond of. Breda and Havoc were plotting to steal said fan but were kept at bay by a trigger happy first lieutenant. Fuery and Falman knew better to mess with her. As for the colonel, lets just say he took off the layers of clothing he did not need.

"It's a sauna in here," Ed commented as he waltz through the door, not bothering to knock. Typical Ed behavior. Of course, his brother politely knocked even though Fullmetal already entered. "Don't tell me they haven't fixed it since I was last here."

"They did," Roy corrected him, leaning forward on his desk to rest his head on his hands. He had his usual 'I know everything' smirk. "Sadly, a few days after it was fix, some idiot had to break it. Now we're stuck waiting for the repairman to come and fix it _again_."

"That sucks. Oh well, better you than me." Ed said gleefully as he tossed his report onto his superior's desk. "Here's my report, 'sir.' I'll be going since I have the day off." He turned to leave the room when a cough caught his attention. "What?"

Roy had picked up the report and was squinting at it before turning it every direction, trying to make sense of it. "You call this a report? I know kindergarten children who can write better than this."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT PEOPLE ASK HIM IF HE NEEDS TO HAVE HIS DIAPER CHANGED!"

"Fullmetal, I'm tired, you're tired. Let's not go through his again," Roy said, ending their little dance. "We'll meet at another time when conditions are more hospitable. Let's say my place at around seven? I'll even cook dinner."

It took a few minutes for Ed's mind to process the information. Roy? His house? Dinner? When he managed to speak, he sputtered. "Fine, but it's a report and not a _date_."

Roy raised a brow. "Oh? I never said it's a date. Were you thinking I was asking you on a date?"

Ed's blush would put a tomato to shame. He opened his mouth, but no words came forth.

"Do you want it to be a date?" Roy asked, amused by his subordinate's reaction. He could care less about his other subordinates in the room.

As usual, Al decided to keep quiet about the whole thing. He even started chatting with the others, who were gossiping about Roy's preferences.

"NO! Why would I want to date someone like you?" Ed screeched, causing everyone in the room to wince except Al because well.. Al was Al.

The Colonel shrugged. "Too bad then. I was kind of hoping to get to know you better." This time it was his _seductive _smile.

It caused Ed to become weak in his knees. Now he knew what all those women felt when Roy used his charms on them. "Uhhh..." Great, he was a child prodigy, and all he could come up with was 'Uhhh.'

"Great, I'll see you at seven, and don't forget to wear something nice." Roy said as he reached for his cursed paperwork, signaling this conversation was over. "After all, you'd want to look nice for your first date."

"... There had better not be any flowers!" Ed screeched when his mind started working again.

"Of course."

Riza in the meantime had enough of the gossiping. "Unless you have nothing else better to do, I highly recommend you get back to work!" She reached over to where her gun was holstered.

Seeing this, the four hastily scrambled to their work, hoping it would stave her impending shooting spree.

"I think we'd better go. Brother needs to rest. Goodbye." Al said as he grabbed his brother before he could scream at the Colonel and dragged him out of the room.

Roy was used to the brothers' antics, but it still amused him. He smiled while he watched them leave.

Click.

"Sir, don't you have some paperwork as well?"

_Crap._


End file.
